the morrissey mythology

THE FOLLOWING IS AN UNFINISHED BLOG UPDATE.
PROCEED W/ CAUTION


it's common knowledge that i'm a huge morrissey fan.
being a dude and a morrissey super fan comes w/ a lot of baggage.
you have to constantly be on the defense.
people are always threatened by something they don't understand.
i find it curious and funny that it's O.K. to like David Bowie and QUEEN when they also were shrouded in sexual ambiguity, falsetto vocals and over dramatic stage presence.
there is no mystery to there sexuality. theyv'e confirmed there dual citizenship.
it's must be so much eaiser to be a Hootie and the blowfish fan.

people can't seem to get there heads around the fact that he doesn't have a sexual agenda.
i think he manages to be much more interesting because of that fact alone.
when you think about the fact that most dudes spend in up too 80% of waking hours thinking, plotting and obcessing about sex. running around w/ a kickstand trying to trick, manuiuplate and sell there business to some unsuspecting female.


there are tons of Morrissey myths.
so i thought i might take this time too squash a few tales. snuff some untruths and put the record straight.


myth one......
Morrissey was discovered floating down the Nile river in a reed woven basket.
this is partially true.
it was accutally the Rio Grande in circa 1462. this can partially trace his strange cult like relationship too his Hispanic fan base. and his love of Wicker furniture

myth two........
Morrissey has never had sex and has taken a vow of celibacy.
this is totally inaccurate. he has had sex close too one million times. the first time was w/ sasquatch. and it was conscenual. next w/ Madonna and the last million times was w/ all of your mothers. reference the Lyric "small girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers"

Myth three........
Morrissey has blashemyed Jesus and God publicly. but was raised in a strict irish catholic upbringing.
Morrissey is controled by gama-light, Kryptonite and samsonite. he answers to no one.
and fronts a Norwegian Black Metal Band called Vomitstorm.

the bible, the phone book and the internet

story telling.
some of the most interesting people are the best storytellers.
a joke is only funny if it's told by a great story teller.
if you can sell a joke you can sell yourself.

a parrot can tell a joke. but it's only funny when the parrot tells it well.

so i've taken it upon myself to write some jokes.
i just need you guys to come thru w/ some punchlines.........


a robot baby; a caveman and a zombie walk into a bar...............

how many lesbian softball players does it take too install a cable modem

what has 8 arms, a solar panel, an eye-patch and a myspace account...........


knock knock ..........who's there?.........you are...........you are who? ......you are a FUCKFACE

zero tolarence

what i lack in physical strength i make up in my strong opinions
and I have lots of strong opinions.

I have a very strong “ZERO TOLERANCE” policy on some controversial issues.
In the past it has gotten me in a lot of trouble.
I’ve managed to paint my self into some serious corners.
I’ve hit the ceiling, drawn a line in the sand and burned countless bridges
There something very romantic about being a stubborn jerk. being predictable keeps people guessing.
Even when I’m wrong, it’s about sticking to your guns.
here's some of the more timeless and honored BANS.

Reggae…..zero tolerance…..find an exception…..i’ll find an exceptional way to tell you why it’s busted.

Flossing…..i’ve done it, I’m currently in a rennisance and trying to floss every night. It can still “FUCK ITSELF”

Pleated pants…….if your wearing them now and I consider you a friend; we need too revisit this issue promptly. Friends don’t let friends pleat. I believe it was discovered by the French and perfected by DOCKER.

the word SWAG. i think it's a snowboard term. for free stuff.
if you refer to free stuff as SWAG you are telling the world.
"hey, look at me. i'm a barney, kook and poser" that's right . i said all those words

Jazz fusion…….the only things it’s fused w/ is HORSE SHIT. Jazz has been on my thin ice list for years. You add the word “fusion” and it only gets worse

Whoppi Goldberg.........i'm pretty sure this is a no brainer. but if not, Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2 Breaking the Habit. if you enjoy her movies please submit your adresss so i can MAPQUEST directions to your house.


***
i want to thank my friend Tommy for introducing me too the BAN

unsolved mysteries

STILL no one has sent the correct answer too the
PAULA ABDUL CURSE OF THE COLD HEARTED SNAKE question
the stakes have been raised.......

a hand-crafted MOZ MIX C.D.
more NERDS
an authentic throwing star or "Shurken"
a portrait of you done only in LIQUID PAPER
one PORN MAG. title yet to be determined




contact me

johnm@blackboxdist.com

highschool female gym teacher

who has the high score for sneezing?
the world record for worlds biggest jack-off is currently held by you!
your shadow is your body telling you are fat.
in every lie. is a little bit of truth.

true comunication.............

200 MPH.................

twohundredmilesanhour.
twohundredstylesofcolor
nobody is scared of fire. everbody is scared of being burned
people who often wear sunglasses have the best secrets
most ghosts are under the impression that they are alone
the only time we feel truly alive is right after the gas light goes on. *******
too have a firm handshake w/ real danger is huge and awesome .
you don't have too watch dynasty too have an attitude
your strongest and keenest sense, is your sense of "embarssment". if you want to test it.........
fart in a crowded elevator......
flossing your teeth is a pain in the ass.
your name spelled backwards sounds like KLINGON
act your age not your shoe size
surrounding yourself w/ killer bees will increase your street cred.
your life is a shitty reality show on U.P.N.
writting FUCK YOU as the subject of an email.........is and will always be funny.




******sometimes i'm not sure if i heard some one else say this stuff.
or i heard it in a Silver Jews song.

worlds greatest love songs...........

totally awesome vs get rad or die trying

You’re only as a strong as your greatest weakness…..

Badminton has historically been the measurement to settle all disputes.
The Ancient Pre-bronze era civilizations of Central America would host games of mortal consequence.
Winners would be immortalized in cave paintings as exalted deities. Losers would be systematically sacrificed and subject to drink the blood of there fallen team members.

The Great Wall of China was recently proven to be the Net for timeless feuds of ancient China vs nomadic adversaries of Hunnic, Mongol and Turkic invaders.

Other great feuds settled upon the bloody fields of badminton………


Leprechaun’s vs ninjas
the Lifetime channel vs the 1980 Super bowl champion Pittsburg Steelers
Military time vs Guatemalan high mountain gorilla
Count Chocula vs Ru Paul
Ranch dressing vs Bill Gates


totally awesome vs get rad or die trying

shuttlecock...........